You probably think Steely McBeam is a stupid name for a mascot. But maybe that’s because you haven’t gotten to know Steely McBeam:
-Steely McBeam pisses justice.
-Steely McBeam was the last starfighter.
-Steely McBeam could have been better than Jim Brown, but instead of choosing football for a career, he chose heroism.
-Steely McBeam built Rome in 18 hours.
-You can’t stop Steely McBeam. You can’t even hope to contain him. All you can do is prepare for your whuppin’.
-Steely McBeam resurrected John Travolta’s acting career.
-The only thing that can kill a a vampire is a stake through the heart. That, and Steely McBeam’s icy gaze.
-Steely McBeam was a principal investor in Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. You want to make something of it?
-Steely McBeam killed the radio star.
-According to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the Steelers offered their head coaching job to Steely McBeam, and he accepted it. The Trib stands behind the story.
-Steely McBeam once raced a gazelle. He won. When the race was over, he killed the gazelle with a swift blow from his steel beam, and then made stew with the flesh of the animal and spices he found in the forest. It was the best stew ever made.
-Steely McBeam has mastered the ways of The Force.
-Steely McBeam sleeps on a pillow stuffed with bald eagle feathers.
-A mosquito once bit Steely McBeam, feasting on his blood. You now know this mosquito as Mothra.
-Steely McBeam holds the record for world’s largest s’more. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was not pleased.
-The original Rat Pack: Sinatra, Dean, Sammy Davis Jr., Joey Bishop, Steely McBeam.
-Steely McBeam doesn’t tea bag women, nor does he potato sack them. He Goodyear Blimps them.
-Steely McBeam made the sandwich that killed Mama Cass.
-Steely McBeam won the pie-eating contest in “Stand By Me.”
-Once an orphanage was on fire. Steely McBeam, with selfless disregard for his own well-being, raced into the burning building and hauled out each of the children, one by one, until all 120 of them had been rescued. But then he found out the that the children were Cowboys fans, so he put them all back.
-Steely McBeam wrote the first five books of the Old Testament.
-That thing on Kordell’s neck? Steely McBeam put it there.
-Steely McBeam signed Elvis Presley to his first record contract.
-Steely McBeam is too sexy for his hat, too sexy for his hat, what you think about that?
-Steely McBeam climbed Mt. Everest. Backwards.
-Steely McBeam knows when you are sleeping, and knows when you’re awake.
-Steely McBeam framed Ray Lewis for murder becase he thought it would be hilarious, which it was.
-Brillo Pads come from Steely McBeam’s pubes.
-Steely McBeam believes you can fly. He believes you can touch the sky.
-Steely McBeam drove the snakes out of Ireland.
-Steely McBeam not only dances with wolves, he taught them how to Charleston.
-Steely McBeam told Lincoln: Free the slaves, asshole!
-Steely McBeam sprinkles kryptonite on his Corn Flakes.
-Steely McBeam isn’t built Ford Tough; it’s the other way around, people.
-Chuck Norris and Steely McBeam ran into each other in a bar one time. You know what happened? Chuck Norris peed his pants a little.
-Steely McBeam can wear white after Labor Day.
-The Power of Greyskull is derived from Steely McBeam.
-Steely McBeam bitch-slapped Three Rivers Stadium, causing its destruction.
-Steely McBeam doesn’t know his PIN number, but ATMs give him cash out of fear.
-Steely McBeam would NOT have pardoned Nixon.
-Steely McBeam is made of hyperspace and rivets.
-The Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Steely McBeam was GM.
-When Steely McBeam goes buck hunting in the fall, deer just climb into Steely’s car to save themselves the trouble.
-Steely McBeam has tapeworms. He ate them on purpose.
-You want to know what’s in Steely McBeam’s overalls? Cojones the size of bowling balls, that’s what.
-Infinity + infinity x infinity + 1 = Steely McBeam.
-Johnny Carson was Steely McBeam’s sidekick.
-Steely McBeam can eat a Primanti’s sandwich without chewing.
-Steely McBeam fought the law, and Steely McBeam won, 42-3.
-Michael Keaton got the title role in “Batman” because Steely McBeam put in a good word.
-Steely McBeam rarely wears underwear, and when he does, it’s usually something exotic.
-Steely McBeam was schooled at The Julliard.
-Steelt McBeam still holds the arcade points record for Space Invaders.
-Eric Clapton’s “Layla” was about Steely McBeam.
-Bill Clinton gave Steely McBeam a blowjob in the Oval Office.
-Steely McBeam composed his first sonata at age 7. It was terrific.
-Steely McBeam made Tommy Maddox’s chin melt.
-For Christmas, Steely McBeam wanted to give his girlfriend his dick in a box. But no box was large enough.
-Steely McBeam invented courage.
-When life gives Steely McBeam lemons, he makes straight bourbon.
-The first draft of the “Exorcist” script says: “The power of Steely compels you! The power of Steely compels you!”
-Steely McBeam’s middle name is Victory.
-Steely McBeam hasn’t used toilet paper for well over a year. He just stares at his bare ass in the mirror until the leftover poo evaporates.
-Steely McBeam knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. That’s because he’s the one who buried him.
-Wonder Woman once caught Steely McBeam in the Lasso of Truth. But Steely, because of his trademarked SteelyResolve, was still able to tell lies. Then he broke through the lasso and made sweet, sweet love to Wonder Woman. He told her he’d call, but he didn’t.
-Global warming isn’t caused by CO2 emissions. It happens when Steely McBeam exerts himself while Jazzer-cising.
-Steely McBeam makes an excellent Mai Tai.
-Steely McBeam had restless leg syndrome — until he told his legs to knock it the fuck off.
-Steely McBeam subsists on a diet of pain and stingy defense.
-Steely McBeam has 16 testicles, one for every game in the regular season. If the Steelers lose, he rips off a testicle. Don’t worry, they grow back.
-The only thing Steely McBeam hates more than racism is Mexicans.
-Steely McBeam will pitch it, but won’t catch it.
-For sport, Steely McBeam hunts Navy SEALS. He does it blindfolded, so it’s a fair fight.
-Steely McBeam’s sex video with Paris Hilton couldn’t be viewed on a conventionally sized television screen.
-Steely McBeam pulled Excalibur from the stone. Then he destroyed the stone with his magnificent steel beam, and used the sword as a toothpick later that night when he went out with some friends for appetizers.
-Steely McBeam shot the sheriff AND the deputy.
-The late Bob O’Connor’s hair was ink-black — until he saw Steely McBeam in the nude.
-Steely McBeam stole Marilyn from Joe DiMaggio.
-Steely McBeam turned Rock Hudson gay.
-Steely McBeam eats shit like you for breakfast.
-Steely McBeam arm wrestled Paul Bunyan. This is what happened to Paul Bunyan.
-We have nothing to fear but Fear itself, and also Steely McBeam.
-Sometimes, when Steely McBeam has trouble falling asleep at night, he puts on some light jazz, pours himself a glass of red wine and takes a nice, long, relaxing bath with aromatic salts and oils. Wait a minute — we’re thinking of Brady Quinn, that puss.
-Last week, Steely McBeam boated a marlin using a spool of twine, a paper clip and gummy worm for bait.
-You can’t fight City Hall, unless you are Steely McBeam.
-Steely McBeam is standing behind you RIGHT NOW!
-Steely McBeam scared the AIDS out of Greg Louganis.
-Steely McBeam is here to kick as and chew bubble gum. And he’s all out of bubble gum.
-Steely McBeam is an all-natural, clinically proven ingredient that provides Natural Male Enhancement.
-Steely McBeam got Ross and Rachel back together.
-Steely McBeam can bend spoons with his brain waves.
-Steely McBeam doesn’t need more cowbell.
-Steely McBeam’s colon is the world’s leading source of greenhouse gas emmissions. The UN is drafting a treaty that would require him to eat less haluski and sauerkraut.
-Steely McBeam once had a 7-hour erection. It was a bit of an off night.
-Steely McBeam made out with his girlfriend during “Schindler’s List.”
-Steely McBeam is undefeated at Indian leg wrestling.
-All-time record for home runs? Barry Bonds. All-time record for chicks banged? Steely McBeam.
-Where’s the beef? Steely McBeam ate it. All of it.
-Thunder is just Steely McBeam bowling.
-Steely McBeam hates the Raiders and the Jets. Hence the Heidi Game.
-Steely McBeam has “the shining.”
-Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Steely McBeam.
-The Green Lantern’s secret identity was Steely McBeam.
-Soylent Green is made of Steely McBeam!!! You’ve got to warn everyone and tell them!
-You know that house in Amityville Horror? Based on a true story? That was just old Steely, messin’ with folks.
-Steely McBeam’s dandruff is used for holy Communion wafers.
-Steely McBeam will carelessly cut you, and laugh while you’re bleeding.
-Steely McBeam has an Oscar in the category of “awesomeness.”
-The specal sauce on a Big Mac is Steely McBeam’s spooge, and relish.
-Steely McBeam did the choreography for “Thriller.”
-Steely McBeam is faster than a laser.
-Why is Steely McBeam smiling? Bludgeoning makes him smile.
-Steely McBeam killed the colonel for his secret recipe, and he doesn’t even like chicken.
-Steely McBeam once wrestled a brontosaur. You’ll note that only one of them is extinct now.
-Steely McBeam was elected president. Five times.
-In 1999, on the shores of Lake Erie, Steely McBeam took the biggest crap of all time. And so was born the Cleveland Browns expansion franchise.
-Steely McBeam is Rick James, bitch!
-The sweat extracted from Steely McBeam’s matted-down chest hair is chemically identical to Iron City.
-Steely McBeam was the fifth Beatle.
-On a bet, Steely McBeam ate a bowl of scabs.
-You thought we meant the kind of scab on your knee? No, we meant replacement iron workers. Solidarity, brothers!
-Steely’s the man, write it down.
-Steely McBeam shops at Pants n’at. Not that he needs pants.
-Franco Harris is responsible for the Immaculate Reception. Steely McBeam is responsible for the Immaculate Conception.
-What evil lurks in the hearts of men? Only Steely McBeam knows.
-Americans by chance, Pittsburghers by the grace of Steely McBeam.
-Steely McBeam is the last living veteran of the Revolutionary War.
-Steely McBeam possessed the television in “Poltergeist.”
-Steely McBeam wrote 14 of Shakespeare’s plays.
-Steely McBeam shot J.R.
-Steely McBeam can reproduce asexually.
-The Surgeon General has warned that Steely McBeam may be hazardous to your health, especially if you are pregnant, or about to become pregnant. And trust us, if you’ve ever come within 30 feet of Steely McBeam, you’re already pregnant.
-Steely McBeam put the Bop in the Bop-Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Bop.
-Steely McBeam knocked Al Toon unconscious.
-In the 70s, Steely McBeam grew a mullet. This is the reason glam rock exists.
-Steely McBeam assembled Voltron from spare parts found in his garage.
-Steely McBeam isn’t gay. But his penis does whatever the hell it wants.
-Steely McBeam’s soul is made of anti-matter and black holes.
-Who’s the cat that won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about? Steely McBeam! Right on! Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Steely McBeam! You daaaaamn right.
-Steely McBeam likes a good BLT. But even better, remove the bacon, and fry up a slice of Carson Palmer’s ACL.
-Steely McBeam turned Rosie straight for six weeks.
-God made Adam in the image of Steely McBeam.
-Bo knows football, but Steely McBeam knows it better. He also knows quantum physics, all of the Romance languages and what happened to Tony Soprano.
-We earned the one for the thumb in the 2005 season. Except for Steely McBeam. He had his more than 20 years ago.
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Have a favorite? Can you do better? Who wins in a fight between Steely McBeam and Chuck Norris? Send suggestions to Mr_Steely_McBeam@yahoo.com .
